This whole writing every day thing has forced me to kind of drown in nostalgia. I’ve been racking my brain to attach a story to the given prompt and as someone who kind of has a shit memory, it’s been hard.
So instead of trying to craft a long post about memory, here’s a list of songs and a time in my life they remind me of.
“Warrior” – Kesha
Sophomore year of college. My friends apartment and the parties that were had there. The feeling of being young and carefree.
“Marvelous Things” – Eisley
Thirteen year old me who has a lot of feelings and doesn’t know what to do with them. I was very much trying to make sure I wasn’t “like the other girls.”
“Total Eclipse of the Heart” – Bonnie Tyler
My sisters favorite song. She plays it every time we’re in the car and I can instantly picture her singing her heart out while I’m in the passenger seat cracking up.
“This is How We Do It” – Montell Jordan
Senior year of high school and all the football games we went to. I’m pretty sure we had shirts with the lyrics and it always played at our pep rallies.
“Goodbye Earl” – Dixie Chicks
Childhood hanging out at my cousins house, running around their neighborhood and just being kids. This Dixie Chicks album was one of the first albums I ever owned and wow, what a classic.
About an hour north of my college town was the tallest waterfall in Oklahoma. I don’t know what it is about waterfalls that are so appealing but going to visit one and swim underneath it always sounded magical to me.
The first time I visited I was still a baby in college and it was one of my first trips venturing out of my college town. I was still hanging out with people I knew from high school, not yet breaking out to find my own friend group, and I was bouncing with excitement. We had just arrived when I got the call. Looking back, it’s strange that I even answered the phone. But I did. It was bad news, that maybe I’ll get into another day but not…not right now. The phone call left me shaken and my friends were around me wondering what was going on. I told them what had happened and after the usual words of condolences we ventured onward.
We were supposed to hike up the top of the waterfall together but I needed space. My emotions started to feel too big for my chest. Without a word I pushed myself forward, leaving everyone behind to reach the top first. After a couple minutes avoiding branches and stepping over rocks I made it. I walked to the edge and looked around me. There was nothing but the waterfall, trees and sky. It was beautiful. The world was beautiful and my heart was hurting.
I only let myself have a minute to really let my emotions wash over me. I knew my friends weren’t far behind and I didn’t want this to be the focus for the rest of the day. I just needed the minute alone on top of the waterfall to remember, to grieve and to appreciate the fact that I was alive.
I was having trouble writing today’s post, so here’s Rubi offering up to do a guest post for me and saving the day:
Hello, welcome to my little moonpie’s blog. Today’s topic was about anxiety and it was just fitting enough that raye raye was having anxiety about this specific post so she allowed a guest post – by me, Rubi (link my blog & give me promo pls.) I want to tell you a brief snippet about myself and anxiety that moonpie (yes, I will only refer to her as this from now on) played an important apart of.
My sophomore year of college was PEAK anxiety for myself. Real adult problems were heading my way while also all of the regular, fun problems like too many social events and finishing up basics that I was paying too much money for to breeze thru. I found myself meeting new people, moonpie being one of them. It’s funny because I remember one of my first interactions with moonpie was that she was one confident bitch. Both of those things matter. Confident because she seemed like she truly knew who she was and bitch because highkey she wasn’t as friendly as I wanted her to be. However, some part of the way I found myself weathering long nights at my apartment with moonpie and what would later be the CoreFour(trademark pls). From previous posts on this blog, I think it’s safe to say she was just as lost as I was at this time but boy, she faked it well.
There was a night I think of often where moonpie was at my apartment and she was sitting on the bar of my kitchen, upset over a friendship that was soon to end in a friendship break up. Can we all agree that friendship break ups are just as painful if not more than a regular break up??? Anyway, thru tears she told me that she was going to end this friendship because the person on the other end didn’t appreciate her anymore. She felt like what kept them friends wasn’t there anymore. I don’t want to pretend to know EVERYTHING in her head at that moment but anyway. Around this same time, I was having the same problem and among everything else going on in my life, I did not have the courage to come to that same realization.
For the longest time, I had one person who had been there for me thru my absolute worst anxious episodes. The kinds where you think you truly are going crazy. The kind where you need someone to talk you off the metaphorical ledge in your head. At this point, that same person was almost using that as a crutch against me. Instead of helping me navigate like they had before, they were expecting me to accept shitty behavior towards me because they had “been there.” I remember writing in my journal later that night that I saw myself in moonpie. I saw the same pain of holding on to a toxic relationship and both the anxiety around bringing a conversation up with my friend, the anxiety of possibly losing them from my life, but the realization that I had some new people around me that were turning out to love me for all the parts of me too. When finally having the conversation with my person, I got the complete opposite. I got a complete turn around and sometimes I think about how long I would have held onto my feelings, or wouldn’t have had the courage to make a change had I not seen myself in moonpie. In a big nutshell, she kinda helped me save that friendship and it’s one of my dearest relationships to this day. That confident bitch really did THAT.
When I was little I sat in my grandmas backyard thinking I could control the rain. I always thought I was a magical kid, reading and watching so much fantasy embeds that in you. Finding the source of my power was just a matter of time, and it started there, with the rain.
We were little, still riding the bus to school and didn’t even have our own set of house keys yet. My sister and I waddled up to our front door and found it locked. We looked at each other not knowing what to do, and my sister began to cry. I remember handing her my water bottle, nodding my head and setting out into the rain, running around our house to see if I could find a way in. I had no luck and by the time I made it back to the front door I was soaked through. My sister was still crying, wanting our mom, and as they’ve always done, her tears sparked my own. Two scared kids crying in the rain until their mom pulled up barely a minute later to let them into the warm dry house.
I was eighteen, walking back to my college dorm with a boy I had met and became fast friends with. We constantly toed the line of friendship and flirtation but he had a girlfriend back home, a relationship from high school that they had kept going. He didn’t mention her much. We were laughing and talking when suddenly water started pouring over us from nowhere. It was a clear night, did it start raining? No, not rain. The sprinklers on the lawn had started and we were right in it’s path. We ran and laughed, shaking the water out of my hair I looked at him and said, “you know this is a movie moment right?” He nodded and stared and stared and stared.
I was driving home in a car that had no AC and it was pouring rain. My windows constantly fogged up, forcing me to crack them and let the water pour in. I was scared, tired, lonely, wondering why I hastily moved to a new school, a different town, before I was ready. The rain was getting worse and worse until I was forced to pull over. I could barely see in front of me and I was in the middle of nowhere with nothing around but empty land. I rolled my windows back up, tried to clean off my wet arms, and sobbed.
We had just gotten out of a movie and had no idea a tsunami waited us outside. Smelling like popcorn and grinning like idiots we ran to the car. The cold of the rain couldn’t damper the happy feeling blooming inside me from finding a group of friends that seemed to just, fit. I wanted to tilt my head back and let the clouds know they couldn’t ruin this night for me. This feeling of belonging inside my chest was not something that could easily be washed away by the rain.
I think fresh starts are bullshit. I mean take it from someone who has tried to wipe her slate clean a little more often than most, there is always something left behind, a dent you didn’t notice, a mark that’s faded but barely there. There is no such thing as a clean getaway, your past is always there, no matter how many times you try to rid yourself of it.
Which worries me because a new start is just on my horizon. This time around though I’m not throwing things in bags and running the first chance I get. I’ve had time to prepare, to think, and to worry.
Back in my severe depression days my doctor told me that I was standing in a forest and all I could see was one tree in front of me, standing so close that it blocked everything else from view. Now, after getting help, I’ve been able to step back and see the rest of the world. I’ve been able to navigate the forest of my mind a lot easier these days but by the end of the month I’ll be walking into unknown territory.
That’s where the worry comes in. The world is big and I’m about to start walking the forest alone. What if I get lost, what if I get so scared I end up back in front of a tree, not knowing how to step back from it? Will I be able to recognize it in time? Do I have the tools to overcome, or will I eventually be led back to that single tree? Is it just a matter of time? Am I clinging to this forest metaphor just a little too hard?
My fresh start comes with a lot of baggage. At least I’m aware of it this time around. In the past I would run with blissful ignorance, thinking I knew best, that this time everything would work out, this time life will be shiny and new.
I know better now.
I know myself better now.
At least… I think so. I hope so.
HEY WHATS THIS, a quickie explanation:
So I found this list of writing prompts on instagram and decided to try to write a short blog post every day in April. I don’t know if I’ll keep up with it but I will try!