A fall feeling.

In high school we called it “world peace weather” when we would drive around with the windows rolled down, our half priced sonic drinks in the cup holders and music blasting on the radio. The air was fresh, clean, the sun bright but not too warming. The crisp bite of fall would fill our lungs ushering in a sense of peace and belonging.

It reminds me of running around outside with all the kids in my neighborhood gathering in the cul-de-sac to play four square or kick ball or to throw pine cones at each other just to release all the energy we had pent up inside. I loved when our entire group would gather, kids ranging from ten to fifteen, nothing in common but geography. We would climb trees, ride bikes, and run around with out a care in the world. The only thing on our minds were how long we had left until the streets light came on and we had to hurry home.

When I was in middle school my sister and mom and I lived in a town home where I had my own room for the first time in my life. As soon as the weather turned towards cold I would throw open my window to usher in the wind. I had a CD player that held all my indie angst teen music and journals and paper scattered around with doodles, poems and diary entries. I had no idea what I was feeling or who I was but in that room alone, with the window wide open I would try to figure it out.

It also takes me back to my sophomore year of college. The year I got close with the friends who would stay with me longer than anyone else. We spent days outside hauling around pallets of wood for our homecoming bonfire. The days were long and tiring but there are bright spots of connection throughout. I can see myself in the back seat of Rubi’s car, a feeling of happiness bubbling inside me at the prospect of new close friends.

More recently it reminds me of laying down on the hammock in my backyard, trying to find some quiet and alone time away from my loving family. A book in my hand, my phone not too far away, just swinging back and forth until my mom’s face appears in the window to tell me food was ready. It’s how I feel now, sitting in my room with the window open typing this blog post. The weather feels great, there is music in my ear and food waiting for me in the kitchen. That fall feeling, of peace and belonging sits right in the center of my chest.

I love this weather.

I’ve only seen LOTR once but this post is about a ring so.

He threw it in the bottom of the box as if it was a forgotten piece of trash, I wouldn’t have even known it was there if I wasn’t specifically searching for it. I had a cardboard box in front of me, full of books and memories sent to me from a boy I had cut off all ties with. At the very bottom of the box was a ring, my ring. I could feel the anger rising in me at the absolute carelessness, as if it didn’t matter at all if I got this ring back or not, he threw it into the box and was done. The anger boiled up inside of me as I picked up the ring. Anger turned to hurt then back to frustration until it finally spilled over into laughter. Of course he didn’t give a shit about this ring, of course he didn’t.

I remember giving him this ring, sitting in his car sharing all our fears and worries, a young idiot who wanted to show him that I cared and would always be there for him, more than any one has before. I slipped the ring off my finger and into his hand, a reminder of me to keep when we would go off to our separate schools hundreds of miles a part. I foolishly pictured him cherishing it, having people ask about it, I wanted the people around him to know who I was since I couldn’t be there to remind them. I wanted to be important, I was young and I was so very naive.

Now here it was, a couple of months later, saved from the bottom of a box. It’s a plain silver band with “strength” engraved on it, it was a gift from my mother on my sixteenth birthday. I was a moody, dramatic teenager and I use to scribble “strength” on the inner corner of my wrist, thinking I’d get it tattooed there someday but at sixteen I’d settle for a less permanent reminder, so my mom got me the ring. I had worn the ring on and off in high school until wearing it daily once I moved out for college. It stayed on my finger every day until I dropped it into the hand of a boy who could never love me.

Once I had my ring back, for reasons looking back I can only call dramatic, I started wearing it on a long chain around my neck instead of my finger. It’s visible in all my pictures from this time, dangling down past my chest, a signal of what I had just went through and all the things I lost and gained. It’s funny because the same would be true in just a couple of months when the ring would be removed from it’s chain and returned to my hand, another symbol of relationships lost and wisdom earned.

I was sitting in a cabin in the woods, on a retreat with people from the business fraternity I was in, talking to a guy from a college a couple towns away. He was cute, funny, and obviously into me. I was glowing from the attention I was being shown, ready to throw myself into flirting and forget about old hurts. I was toying with the ring around my neck when he asked me about it. I said it was from my mom and he replies, “oh so is she dead or something?”

Which first of all, who just asks if your parent is dead so casually like that? We were surrounded by people and he had just asked me if I experienced a massive loss. I was taken a back and said no, she was very much alive and he laughed. I looked down at my ring, laughing along, wondering what I was getting myself into. This exchange ended up being a good representation of the summer fling that would follow with this boy. He wanted to reach in, open me up and get all the dark spots and secrets from me, laughing as he did and always acting as if it was an easy casual thing to do. I was a riddle to be solved, a trophy to be won and then taken a part so he could keep what he liked for the future. I had something in me that he wanted for his future spouse, but not enough to keep him around. He would take what he wanted and then he would go.

I moved the ring back to my finger.

Five years later, the ring my mom gave me at sixteen still sits on the middle finger of my left hand. It’s scratched up and could use a good cleaning, the word strength is still visible but only if you know to look for it. It’s one of the only things I know I’ll never get rid of. I’m not a person who likes to keep things around. It’s easy for me to get rid of all the items of nostalgia people tend to keep,whether that be clothes, jewelry, letters or souvenirs, I tend to purge it all. And yet this ring has stayed with me for almost ten years now, a witness to all my life experiences. It’s been a steady constant, a weight on my hand reminding me I needed strength. Strength to survive high school, relationships, trauma, and changes, strength to remember where I come from and the people who will hold me up when I fall. Strength to accept and love myself, and to realize that the strength does not come from anywhere or anyone else but me. I don’t need to search for it, I’ve been strong all along.



This post is in a series from a project with my friend Rubi, we write about the same prompt every week so if you’re interested in seeing her take on “a physical thing that means a lot to you” then be sure to check out her blog HERE

If you can’t get enough of me follow me on INSTA and TWITTER

See you next week 🙂

The state of the union, well kind of.

When I was in middle school I was obsessed with this teeny bopper drama book series called “The Clique” it was basically a mix between mean girls and gossip girl except rated T for teens. In it, the HBIC would make a list every night of what was “IN” and what was “OUT” and she called these lists, The Current State of the Union. (I’m pretty sure there was a mean girls moment of the character writing her own name on the OUT list and GASP it was so dramatic to 12 year old me.)

So in the spirit of my middle school self here are three things that are currently IN and some things that are OUT.


Deleting my stan twitter account. 

LISTEN. Stan twitter was a huge part of my life for probably a solid year. It’s where I spent 75% of my internet time. I checked it CONSTANTLY and was obsessed with keeping up with the latest news, records and D R A M A. It was an outlet that I could easily escape to when real life was getting too stressful or boring or upsetting or or or

But I started escaping too much, I got too invested in meaningless drama and found myself not being able to pay attention to my real life. I’ be talking to someone and just itching to check my phone, worrying I was missing out on the latest drama. It was a problem. SO I deleted it. I went cold turkey, sent out a “thanks for the laughs and tears” to my small following and got the fuck out of there. Which honestly, is a big part of why I decided to start blogging again because NOW I don’t have the mind suck of twitter dragging me down.

The Bechdel Cast

I’ve been listening to this podcast every day for the past week and I LOVE it. The two hosts with a special guest each episode pick a movie and watch it through a feminist lens using the bechdel test as a jumping off point to talk about how the movie represents and treats women. They do a whole variety of movies from Shrek to Pacific Rim to The Lord of the Rings and it’s a grand time. It’s disappointing to realize how shitty Hollywood treats women characters but the podcast isn’t all doom and gloom, there’s plenty of humorous banter and poking fun at the movies they watch. I definitely highly recommend it if you’re looking for a new podcast to listen to.


HEY ITS #BIVISIBILITYDAY if you are not aware I am bi! I’ve written about it a couple times like here and here with plans for more posts in the future. Every year there is an international bi visibility day that just celebrates and shed light on bisexuality and all the ways in which is valid, under represented or erased entirely. Owning my bisexuality is an on going process for me and it helps to see so many people talking openly about their experience and road to acceptance. So if you have the chance I’d recommend scrolling through the tag on twitter or you know, reading my past posts on the subject 😉



Deleting my stan twitter account.

I MISS IT. Even with all the drama, fights and freak outs, stan twitter was FUN. A place entirely dedicated to fan-girling with other super fans was a good ass time. It was also a place that was entirely separate from all the real world news that made my heart ache and head hurt. I’ve tried to find a balance of following fan accounts mixed in my normal stream of followings but I do miss escaping to the weirdness of stan twitter from time to time. Like where else could I post gif after gif of every BTS member? Only on stan twitter pals, only on stan twitter.

Work related stress

OH so work. Basically, I’m working WAY more hours than I have in the past while taking on a greater work load and it’s been a difficult adjustment. I think it’s been harder on me because I really have little to no support when it comes to managing it all, so my brain and body are just like what are you doing? It’s been rough and I’m trying to push through.

Post Concert Depression

I’ve never had post concert depression before. I go to a show, sing my heart out and leave knowing I had a good time. EXCEPT FOR LAST WEEK BECAUSE WOW. I saw BTS in concert and it was probably the best night of my life. Honestly I could write an entire blog post dedicated to that concert experience but lets focus on the aftermath. The first couple of days I was fine, still being able to bask in the fact I saw their gorgeous faces live and in person. Then I started watching videos from their other concerts and suddenly I was sobbing. They’re just such great performers and being in the room when they’re talking and looking at fans is an EXPERIENCE so watching the videos from the rest of their shows made me miss it SO much.

Even now as I’m writing this I have a live stream open from their concert in Canada (shout out to the fans who live stream on twitter you are the REAL ones.) I wish I had gotten another ticket so I could see them live twice, the first time I was full of shock and awe, I really needed a second viewing to appreciate and take everything in. BUT since that is impossible I will live my life crying at fan taken videos and live streams.


Putting together this list was a lot harder than I anticipated and I am not at all surprised most of it is related to my BTS fan girl life. Anywas, be sure to check out my friend Rubi’s blog who will be posting her own list of things she likes/dislikes which will contain far less fan girl nonsense.



We’re just trying to have a good time, college parties edition.

“Yeah, yall are going to have to move.”

I was JUST about to throw down some cards to get a game going when this dude came up to the group of girls I was with and shooed us away. We all sighed, picked up our drinks and shuffled against the wall trying to dodge the crowd in the hallway. The entire walk the dude was close on our heels making sure we cleared the area. It was Saturday night and I was at one of the worst parties I’d ever been to but in about an hour, that would change.

Back in college, my roommates and I were kind of known for how great our parties were. We had the trash can punch recipe down, the hue lights for decor and playlists and games ready to go. We would pool our money together to supply the party with alcohol, because you know broke college kids never brought their own, even if we clearly stated in the Facebook event to bring some. Our friend group was large thanks to the student org we were in but when other people threw parties, they never really measured up. We took pride in our parties, even if the night was drama filled or we ran out of alcohol, no one could tell us they didn’t have a good time.

So safe to say I was not impressed with the situation I found myself in on this Saturday night.

I don’t know what this guys problem was but he was on a mission to be the biggest douche bag in the room. He never stopped herding people into one small room, stopping any games from happening and giving glares at everyone with a drink in their hand. W were only there for about an hour when you could start to feel the annoyance vibrating through the house. So an executive decision was made. The party we were at happened to be in the same complex as mine so my roommates and I came to an agreement, we were hijacking this party and moving it to our house.

We spread the word to our friends to leave in groups every ten minutes or so, we didn’t want to seem like total assholes, and head on over to our place. It was time to turn the night around.

Once back inside our house we turned up the music, poured some shots and got the party started. As more people drifted over from the first party to ours I was determined for everyone to have a good time. As if I was Willy Wonka taking the kids through our chocolate factory, I was passing out drinks, facilitating body shots and checking to make sure the vibe was ten times better than what we experienced earlier.

Looking back I enjoyed this party so much because I was so happy and confident in my ability to turn people’s night around. We had been treated like shit for no reason at this one house and it just pissed me off enough to make sure everyone was going to have a good time at mine. Taking on the role of life of the party isn’t something I’d likely do these days but that night? I was living for it.

I miss the vibe of college parties. When we would throw ones just because we could, select a theme, make a Facebook event and invite everyone we knew. Sure there were some parties that ended in tears and drama but for the most part I always felt happy and in control at the parties we threw. Now that I’m in my mid twenties I know those type of last minute parties aren’t likely to happen ever again. It takes planning weeks in advance to meet up with close friends, and no one has the energy for cleaning up a house after a party that ended at 4 am. But I’m glad I have so many good party memories to look back on.

Especially this party, when I was carefree, confident and in control.

This has been the first post in a series I’m doing with my friend Rubi were we take one topic and both write about it. We’ll be both posting every Sunday so make sure to check out her blog along with mine to see our take on different prompts. This week’s theme was favorite college parties and you can read her post HERE.