A fresh start – ‘escapril’

O N E

I think fresh starts are bullshit. I mean take it from someone who has tried to wipe her slate clean a little more often than most, there is always something left behind, a dent you didn’t notice, a mark that’s faded but barely there. There is no such thing as a clean getaway, your past is always there, no matter how many times you try to rid yourself of it.

Which worries me because a new start is just on my horizon. This time around though I’m not throwing things in bags and running the first chance I get. I’ve had time to prepare, to think, and to worry.

Back in my severe depression days my doctor told me that I was standing in a forest and all I could see was one tree in front of me, standing so close that it blocked everything else from view. Now, after getting help, I’ve been able to step back and see the rest of the world. I’ve been able to navigate the forest of my mind a lot easier these days but by the end of the month I’ll be walking into unknown territory.

That’s where the worry comes in. The world is big and I’m about to start walking the forest alone. What if I get lost, what if I get so scared I end up back in front of a tree, not knowing how to step back from it? Will I be able to recognize it in time? Do I have the tools to overcome, or will I eventually be led back to that single tree? Is it just a matter of time? Am I clinging to this forest metaphor just a little too hard?

Anyways.

My fresh start comes with a lot of baggage. At least I’m aware of it this time around. In the past I would run with blissful ignorance, thinking I knew best, that this time everything would work out, this time life will be shiny and new.

I know better now.

I know myself better now.

At least… I think so. I hope so.

——————————————————————————————–

HEY WHATS THIS, a quickie explanation:

So I found this list of writing prompts on instagram and decided to try to write a short blog post every day in April. I don’t know if I’ll keep up with it but I will try!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s