Saying it out loud. Coming Out – Part Two

I was drunk and it was dark, but like a good dark, a warm comfortable one. It was the kind of dark that made it easier to say things, a dark where you can barely make out the faces around you but knew they were listening. It was there, alcohol bottles scattered around a living room where I said, “yeah you know what, I think I probably like girls.” Everyone in the room laughed and squealed “you like girls! you like girls!” I sighed, then laughed, took another sip of my drink and started telling stories about making out with girls at parties. After a few minutes the conversation drifted to other things and it was almost like it never happened.  There was no sweeping declarations, no shocked expressions, no labels, just a group of friends, laughing and drinking in the dark.

It was the first time I had ever admitted out loud that I liked girls. It wasn’t planned, I wasn’t anticipating it, it just spilled out of my mouth like it had been stuck there for awhile, dying to get out. I was relieved, and surprised at my relief. I didn’t realize how much I was hurting myself by never telling anyone I thought I was bi. I knew I needed to tell more people, specifically my best friends. Telling them would make it more real, I knew it’d be more of a declaration than I drunken confession.

We were at home, in our shared town house, gathered in Rubi’s bedroom. There was wine I think, a bottle to split between the four of us. I was sitting on her floor, or maybe the bed, while they talked around me. I was nervous. It’s easy to say something new and scary to people you just met, or barely know. It’s an entirely different scenario when you’re sharing something with your best friends in a well lit room with nowhere to hide. I could feel the words sitting behind my teeth, knowing I had to tell them. It should be easy right? These were the people that knew and loved me, some of who had come out before, just a quick sentence and it’d be done.

“So…I told some people last night that I like girls, and that I’m bi.”

“Oh my god, this is too much right now.”

“You told them before US?”

“I always knew you were.”

It’s not the reaction I was expecting. I’m sure my face was red from the emotions that welled inside me. I wanted to take back the words, pull them from the bright room and tuck them back into the safety of my mouth. I was hurt, embarrassed, and then panicked.

The realization that they knew, or at least guessed, hit me hard. If they could see it, could everyone? Was there something about me, the way I talked, dressed, or walked that signaled to others that I was attracted to girls? If they knew, did my family know? Did my mom?  It’s then that I realized I was out, but maybe not ready to be. I shouldn’t feel panicked about being seen as gay and yet I was. I thought I had fully accepted myself but…I hadn’t.

It would take me four more years from this moment in order to come out to my family and to announce myself as bi on social media where any past friends or distant relatives could see. Four years of conversations with these same friends, learning to unravel the shame I had buried inside myself. Years of laughing, crying, and experiences that would lead me to being able to stand confidently in my sexuality. I’m bi, and I’m okay with everyone knowing.


Happy pride month! It's been a year since I last wrote about coming out which is WILD. I wanted to take a moment to say I'm extremely privileged when it comes to my coming out. I was always in a safe, loving environment and knew I wouldn't receive any backlash except for maybe some hurt feelings. That is not the case for many LGBTQ+ people around the world so this pride month I'll be donating to The Trevor Project, an organization that provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth.   

If you can, please consider donating to them HERE

morning birdie haiku

seven thirty sun
my heart rises with you
the day has begun


love is only clear
when the sun is shining in
oh, here comes the moon


raye of the moon, who
is weary of the night
your time will come soon


day seven – start with a time of day & day eight – a love poem

(to be honest, can’t even remember the last time I wrote a haiku so this was um, interesting? anyways had to combine two days because I skipped yesterday!)

a listen down memory lane

This whole writing every day thing has forced me to kind of drown in nostalgia. I’ve been racking my brain to attach a story to the given prompt and as someone who kind of has a shit memory, it’s been hard.

So instead of trying to craft a long post about memory, here’s a list of songs and a time in my life they remind me of. 

“Warrior” – Kesha

Sophomore year of college. My friends apartment and the parties that were had there. The feeling of being young and carefree.

“Marvelous Things” – Eisley

Thirteen year old me who has a lot of feelings and doesn’t know what to do with them. I was very much trying to make sure I wasn’t “like the other girls.”

“Total Eclipse of the Heart” – Bonnie Tyler

My sisters favorite song. She plays it every time we’re in the car and I can instantly picture her singing her heart out while I’m in the passenger seat cracking up.

“This is How We Do It” – Montell Jordan

Senior year of high school and all the football games we went to. I’m pretty sure we had shirts with the lyrics and it always played at our pep rallies. 

“Goodbye Earl” – Dixie Chicks

Childhood hanging out at my cousins house, running around their neighborhood and just being kids. This Dixie Chicks album was one of the first albums I ever owned and wow, what a classic. 


day six – nostalgia 

 

What is it about waterfalls?

About an hour north of my college town was the tallest waterfall in Oklahoma. I don’t know what it is about waterfalls that are so appealing but going to visit one and swim underneath it always sounded magical to me.

The first time I visited I was still a baby in college and it was one of my first trips venturing out of my college town. I was still hanging out with people I knew from high school, not yet breaking out to find my own friend group, and I was bouncing with excitement. We had just arrived when I got the call. Looking back, it’s strange that I even answered the phone. But I did. It was bad news, that maybe I’ll get into another day but not…not right now. The phone call left me shaken and my friends were around me wondering what was going on. I told them what had happened and after the usual words of condolences we ventured onward.

We were supposed to hike up the top of the waterfall together but I needed space. My emotions started to feel too big for my chest. Without a word I pushed myself forward, leaving everyone behind to reach the top first. After a couple minutes avoiding branches and stepping over rocks I made it. I walked to the edge and looked around me. There was nothing but the waterfall, trees and sky. It was beautiful. The world was beautiful and my heart was hurting.

I only let myself have a minute to really let my emotions wash over me. I knew my friends weren’t far behind and I didn’t want this to be the focus for the rest of the day. I just needed the minute alone on top of the waterfall to remember, to grieve and to appreciate the fact that I was alive.

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day five – return to nature

everyone say, “thank you rubi!”

I was having trouble writing today’s post, so here’s Rubi offering up to do a guest post for me and saving the day:

Hello, welcome to my little moonpie’s blog. Today’s topic was about anxiety and it was just fitting enough that raye raye was having anxiety about this specific post so she allowed a guest post – by me, Rubi (link my blog & give me promo pls.) I want to tell you a brief snippet about myself and anxiety that moonpie (yes, I will only refer to her as this from now on) played an important apart of.


My sophomore year of college was PEAK anxiety for myself. Real adult problems were heading my way while also all of the regular, fun problems like too many social events and finishing up basics that I was paying too much money for to breeze thru. I found myself meeting new people, moonpie being one of them. It’s funny because I remember one of my first interactions with moonpie was that she was one confident bitch. Both of those things matter. Confident because she seemed like she truly knew who she was and bitch because highkey she wasn’t as friendly as I wanted her to be. However, some part of the way I found myself weathering long nights at my apartment with moonpie and what would later be the CoreFour(trademark pls). From previous posts on this blog, I think it’s safe to say she was just as lost as I was at this time but boy, she faked it well.


There was a night I think of often where moonpie was at my apartment and she was sitting on the bar of my kitchen, upset over a friendship that was soon to end in a friendship break up. Can we all agree that friendship break ups are just as painful if not more than a regular break up??? Anyway, thru tears she told me that she was going to end this friendship because the person on the other end didn’t appreciate her anymore. She felt like what kept them friends wasn’t there anymore. I don’t want to pretend to know EVERYTHING in her head at that moment but anyway. Around this same time, I was having the same problem and among everything else going on in my life, I did not have the courage to come to that same realization.

For the longest time, I had one person who had been there for me thru my absolute worst anxious episodes. The kinds where you think you truly are going crazy. The kind where you need someone to talk you off the metaphorical ledge in your head. At this point, that same person was almost using that as a crutch against me. Instead of helping me navigate like they had before, they were expecting me to accept shitty behavior towards me because they had “been there.” I remember writing in my journal later that night that I saw myself in moonpie. I saw the same pain of holding on to a toxic relationship and both the anxiety around bringing a conversation up with my friend, the anxiety of possibly losing them from my life, but the realization that I had some new people around me that were turning out to love me for all the parts of me too.
When finally having the conversation with my person, I got the complete opposite. I got a complete turn around and sometimes I think about how long I would have held onto my feelings, or wouldn’t have had the courage to make a change had I not seen myself in moonpie. In a big nutshell, she kinda helped me save that friendship and it’s one of my dearest relationships to this day. That confident bitch really did THAT.

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Please check out Rubi’s blog at
http://www.thepensbarrel.com/ and tell her how much I love her because this post made me teary.

day four – anxiety

a song for you

T H R E E

Whoever said no pain
No gain
Don’t know pain
Intimately like I do
As infinitely as I do
Been lied about and lied to
Too many times to fight it
Some bridges were built to burn
No need to help ignite it

Sometimes you listen to a song, and it nuzzles into your brain and lives there for awhile. This one has been occupying my mind for the past couple of weeks. You should listen to it.

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day three – incorporate music

some rain memories

T W O

When I was little I sat in my grandmas backyard thinking I could control the rain. I always thought I was a magical kid, reading and watching so much fantasy embeds that in you. Finding the source of my power was just a matter of time, and it started there, with the rain.

We were little, still riding the bus to school and didn’t even have our own set of house keys yet. My sister and I waddled up to our front door and found it locked. We looked at each other not knowing what to do, and my sister began to cry. I remember handing her my water bottle, nodding my head and setting out into the rain, running around our house to see if I could find a way in. I had no luck and by the time I made it back to the front door I was soaked through. My sister was still crying, wanting our mom, and as they’ve always done, her tears sparked my own. Two scared kids crying in the rain until their mom pulled up barely a minute later to let them into the warm dry house.

I was eighteen, walking back to my college dorm with a boy I had met and became fast friends with. We constantly toed the line of friendship and flirtation but he had a girlfriend back home, a relationship from high school that they had kept going. He didn’t mention her much. We were laughing and talking when suddenly water started pouring over us from nowhere. It was a clear night, did it start raining? No, not rain. The sprinklers on the lawn had started and we were right in it’s path. We ran and laughed, shaking the water out of my hair I looked at him and said, “you know this is a movie moment right?” He nodded and stared and stared and stared.

I was driving home in a car that had no AC and it was pouring rain. My windows constantly fogged up, forcing me to crack them and let the water pour in. I was scared, tired, lonely, wondering why I hastily moved to a new school, a different town, before I was ready. The rain was getting worse and worse until I was forced to pull over. I could barely see in front of me and I was in the middle of nowhere with nothing around but empty land. I rolled my windows back up, tried to clean off my wet arms, and sobbed.

We had just gotten out of a movie and had no idea a tsunami waited us outside. Smelling like popcorn and grinning like idiots we ran to the car. The cold of the rain couldn’t damper the happy feeling blooming inside me from finding a group of friends that seemed to just, fit. I wanted to tilt my head back and let the clouds know they couldn’t ruin this night for me. This feeling of belonging inside my chest was not something that could easily be washed away by the rain.

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day 2 of escapril – april showers